The Grumpy Traveller: Vol 1

This week on Bella Green I’d like to introduce a very special guest writer – The Grumpy Traveller, who will be talking about some of the trials and tribulations discovered during long term travel. I think in this day and age where certain bloggers and people on social media paint pristine pictures of their lives it’s important to take time out to talk truthfully.

I hope you enjoy it. I certainly did! Over to you Grumpy Traveller…

Well hello everyone! 

I am the Grumpy Traveller and albeit rare emotions I possess, I am both happy and privileged to feature in this latest post on Bella Green’s wonderful blog. 

If you haven’t given up reading after that first sentence you may be wondering why I call myself the Grumpy Traveller… 

Well let me tell you.

Along with being a niche I may have discovered to propel myself to social media glory, I thought it would be a good idea to offer an alternative perspective on the whole travelling front.

For it’s not always sunsets and beaches lads!

This short rant will highlight a few topics which really, really grind my gears. 

INSTAGRAM

Has anyone ever noticed the ’10 o’clock stare’?

I mean seriously…..

What’s even up there?

Or the ‘hold my hand while I act as though I’m floating away’ pose?

What about the ‘tip toe stance’ that is meant to gives the appearance of longer legs?

Anyone?

What happened to the days of staring at the camera saying “cheese” and smiling? Even the selfie fad was more tolerable than this! 

I’ve lost track of man hours in a queue waiting for these models to finish their photoshoots.

Talk about feminism, these gals have got their fellas working like mules lugging tons of equipment around with them trying to snap the perfect pic.

And if the initial photo experience isn’t annoying enough, they then go and manipulate the sweet bejesus out of it! 

So let me just understand this… you have climbed through the most beautiful rainforest to reach an amazing viewpoint looking out onto miles and miles of lakes and jungle and you feel the need to tamper with it?!?

Nuclear green grass, water so blue and clear, sunsets looking like 1990 Thomas Cook brochures.

You know what I say to this #nofilter and all that bantz!

The ’10 o’clock stare’

HOSTEL LIFE

Bag Rustlers

Is there something wrong with me?

Yes. Definitely.

I jest…

But seriously after staying in Hostel dorms you soon start to think there is.

Plastic bag rustling!!!!!

Oh my, what’s going on? Why so much rustling? And how many belongings do you possibly have to require that many rustling bags?! Also, don’t you know plastic is bad for the environment?!

Snorers!!!!!

Wow, just wow.

They keep you up all night.

ALL NIGHT.

It sends you insane. Every time they slurp and stutter during their incessant snoring you think they’ve stopped and at last there will be peace and quiet…

Until they start again…

The worst thing is they wake up in the morning bright and cheery and have the audacity to say “good morning” over breakfast!

*Yawns* “Dude I had such a good sleep last night.”

WELL I DIDN’T YOU TURD!

Little do they know how lucky they are to simply be alive this morning after what I’d been plotting during the early hours…

Youths

Don’t preach to me about the meaning of life please. 

Honestly, don’t.

Just because you’ve saved 2 grand, been in Phuket for 3 days, don elephant trousers and six anklets doesn’t mean you’re of higher power now.

Are you still going to wear those flimsy unethically made elephant trousers when you go back to South Germany in the middle of winter?

Of course you aren’t mate!

You’ll fit straight back into being normal old Michael the 21 year old library clerk, studying sociology and wearing Super Dry.

Also, while I’m at it. 

Why are you all vegan?

Why as if to fit into the travelling hierarchy do I need to be vegan?!

If you really want to eat like a local you’ll be hard pushed in Asia to maintain veganism! 

And why is everything a ‘secret’?

“Ahhhhhh dudddeee you’ve not been to the secret beach?!”

“The other day I went to this killer secret rooftop bar.”

“I don’t use trip adviser mannnn, I only eat (vegan food….) at secret restaurants.”

Well, I’ve news for you whippersnappers.

The beaches aren’t secret, theres 200 people there. 

The rooftop bar requires you to book a table in advance.

And the secret restaurants, well I’ve never heard of them…

MOSQUITOS

Tigers.

Crocs.

Sharks.

Ted Bundy.

Scary stuff out there… but they’re all nothing compared to mozzies. 

Seriously.

When one flies past you holding it’s middle finger up at you winking, you know you’re in for it. 

You track it, elated you can crush the blighter and wipe the smirk right off its face.

But it disappears!

Bam.

Bitten.

The only way to not get bitten is to be alert ALL THE TIME. 

Seriously… ALL THE TIME.

I douse myself in citronella,

I drink 5 coffees an hour,

I have even developed a sort of rave skank while I’m at the urinal just to keep moving so I don’t get bit.

The majority of countries I have visited in South East Asia have been through wars whether it be recently or not. 

Why has no one waged war on mosquitos?!

They’re the real enemy!

MANNERS

Hacking

Oh lovely hacking.

I do it, I must admit, I do hack.

But only when I’ve a bottle of Listerine in my hand… and a sink to spit it in.

These guys are just hacking anywhere and everywhere. 

Footpaths, while their on scooters, in parks, shopping malls… they just don’t care!

You’d think I’m drunk with the way I walk down the street dodging flob balls hurtling in all directions.

I’d love to say it’s just the older men, but the grannies are onto it too!

Driving in your path

Hellloooooo?!

Can you not see me clearly walking here?!

You’ve literally ridden your scooter right in front of me. To the point where I now have to stop, wait for you to park, then continue my walk.

YOU’RE ON THE FOOTPATH MATE, ITS MY RIGHT OF WAY.

I fear for my toes every minute.

Not understanding what you say

This must be right up there on the frustrating list of things I encounter.

It literally drives me INSANE.

I really try to get involved with the countries I visit, eating their food and learning a bit of lingo gets you a long way. Not only is it considerate but self satisfying.

However.

Even if you learn some top phrases they still may have no idea what your saying.

“Hello, can I have a Pad Thai please?”

*Confused face* “Sorry?”

“A Pad Thai”

“Errrrrr”

“A Pad Thai?”

“Ohhhhhhhh a Pad Thai, why didn’t you say?”

WELL I DID DIDN’T I?

ONLY THREE BLOOMIN TIMES!

Then you proceed to order the rest of your meal with no translating difficulty whatsoever.

*Crying*

Well audience…

For those of you that have hung on to my rollercoaster of emotions there, I hope you have enjoyed the experience on a brief insight into just a few standard areas which one comes across whilst on the road. 

I for one found it rather cathartic slamming all that out on my keyboard!

Anyway, I’ve got to go… my mate Michael from Munich has just called. He’s really cool for a 21 year old. Knows so much about, well, everything! He even has a book on ‘the meaning of life’ he’s brought from home that he wants to lend me.

We’re going to grab an uber cool vegan meal at a restaurant only he knows about!

He told me to wear my trousers though so I think it may be a rooftop joint! Yikes!

Exciting!

Adios!

The Grumpy Traveller